What, are you kidding me? Apparently the reality show Celebrity Rehab witih Dr. Drew can’t get any celebrities to star on the show next season. Gee, I wonder why that is! I mean, not really. If I lived in a different universe and were a celebrity, I wouldn’t want to appear on that show either. But come on, even Lindsay Lohan didn’t want to appear?!! Did she think it would be bad for her career? Hint to the producers: that’s a clue for you. Hopefully means one less annoying reality show on TV. Maybe one day soon, we’ll get back to comedies. The world could use a good laugh, right about now.

Speaking of comedy, Saturday Night Live had Alec Baldwin hosting for the 15th time, and of course he couldn’t go a few minutes without his hosting nemesis Steve Martin appearing, albeit via closed circuit TV. While there were a lot of lame skits involving Baldwin, there were a few good ones. One skit called Timecrowave is pretty funny. The skit plays with the idea that we’re such a fast food nation that we want our meals now, at any cost. So inventor Gram Lampton has created a special time-travelling microwave that has your food ready exactly when you want it. You just need to send it back in time fromt the future using the timecrowave. Unfortunately, any screw up on your part could cause serious time continuum paradoxes. The visual gags in this skit are brilliant.

In the “not too brilliant things to say in public” department, Letters to Juliet star Amanda Seyfried says she’s not sure if her current beau Dominic Cooper is “the one.” Isn’t that the kind of stuff you keep to yourself, until you’re sure either way? Well maybe he has no illusions about you either, Minge. The couple have been carrying on a long-distance relationship for a few years now. Is that normal, to put in a few years into a relationship when you’re not sure of where it’s going? Or do stars busy lives mean complacency in any relationship, unless something goes wrong. As in cheating. Or stupid public comments?

Wow, someone went a little crazy on the airbrushing of both the Entertainment Weekly cover of Sex and the City 2, and the poster.

Looks like they’re all in denial. Matt Lauer and wife Annette Roque deny they’ve split, with Lauer saying the claims are fiction. And Alexis Houston denies that she had an affair with Matt Lauer. Alexis is also a singer like step-sister Whitney Houston.

More denial, this time from Alyssa Milano, who’s show Romantically Challenged just canned by ABC. Sorry Alyssa; love you but tweeting that it didn’t “officially” get cancelled doesn’t make it true. While you’re waiting for another opportunity, please feel free to take off your clothes.

Yet more denial from the parents of 6-7 year-old girls whose viral video performance cover of Beyonce’s Single Ladies track is taking heat for sexualizing them. The parents try to explain away the performance in an Inside Edition interview. Sure, it’s easy to say there’s nothing wrong with it when you have to save face and hope the world doesn’t criticize you for not teaching your kids what’s appropriate and what’s way overboard. But then again, in a world where 17 year-old Miley Cyrus grinding and giving lapdances to 44 year-old men (albeit gay) is considered just fun by dad Billy Ray say it’s just fun, it’s no wonder this sort of thing goes on at an even younger age. In my useless opinion, this dance sequence is just as bad, if not worse, than putting makeup on little girls and entering them into beauty pageants. If you want them to learn dance moves to improve their skills, there are far less provocative and shocking and ways to do so – especially for kids so young. At this rate, give them a couple of years and they might be on Trash TV next. I’m not embedding the video here; you can see it at the link above (AmyGrindhouse.com)

Amy Adams should be welcoming her new baby into the world some time later this month. Hopefully Adams doesn’t have to worry about the baby appearing in videos for years.

According to singer M.I.A., baby-face Justin Bieber’s video is more violent than her Born Free video, which features nudity and graphic violence. Of course, she was just kidding.

Still more denial? Well, Tyra Banks has her own novel(s), so why not another celeb, comedian Damon Wayans, who is actually very talented? Wayans’ novel Red Hats is being released by Simon & Schuster.

Danica McKellar, aka Winnie Cooper, on intelligence: If a guy is skilled at anything, that’s attractive. Too bad she’s taken, and is even pregnant. Other hot mamas to be: Gwen Stefani, but for the third time.

Michelle McGee on cheating: you need to know that men are not meant to be with one woman. McGee is the tat ink model who had an affair with Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James. Yeah, it might be biologically true, but some men can control themselves. Unfortunately, some women cannot.

Thomas Jane on the size of his male member: “average”. Well that’s honesty for you.

Paris Hilton on junk food: I’m not eating fast food anymore. Wow, I find it hard to believe she eats anything. Her ribs are sticking out half the time. Somebody give this girl a sandwich.

Elton John on the $33M offer to replace Simon Cowell on American Idol: no. By the way, it seems that TMZ has a fair bit of money to throw around. The 1st and 2nd place winners get a substantional amount of money for their 1st through 6th albums. Even the 3rd through 12th place winners get $100-200K apiece for their first album, if they get signed. (They just can’t have sex with the judges for up to six months after the season ends.) No wonder so many talentless hopefuls are willing to embarrass themselves.

Bravo to new Christina Aguilera, who is the new WFP (World Food Programme) Ambassador Against Hunger. First stop is Haiti.

Um, what? Amanda Seyfried says her nickname is Minge, which in England is slang for either vagina or “vagina fur,” depending on who you ask. Whats more, she’s actually proud of her nickname and actually has it tattooed on her foot. Ok, if you say so, freak. I guess she could be called worse. As in the four-letter word that rhymes with punt and is a worse variation of Minge. Not sure you’d want to tattoo that on your body, though. Now keep in mind that this is the same Amanda Seyfried who once thought of sex as dirty.

Speaking of minge, the 16 year-old hooker that NFL great Lawrence Taylor supposedly had a tryst with seems to be changing her story a bit. And he’s now saying that he pleasured himself in front of her, not pleasured her. If that’s true, then there can’t be any statutory rape charge against him. But $300 just to diddle himself in front of her? Was his wife charging too much?

Mickey Rourke might not have been unfaithful to his Russian model girlfriend of 10 months, but he’s publicly admitting the tempation of other young women. Now exactly why would you do that? All the stars saying such things actually have cheated. Well at least he’s honest. Good luck with the relationship. Let’s hope Mickey is allowed “look at the menu” as long as he eats at home. Maybe he’ll get extra credit for looking so bad-ass as Whiplash in Iron Man 2.

In the “it just gets weirder” file, apparently there are audio tapes of phone calls from 2003 of pop star Michael Jackson pleading for money and claiming to be stalked, possibly by Mafioso. The calls also include discussions of investing in superhero film projects and “working together” on them.

Another Jackson that’s having financial problems in present day is former Charlie’s Angels star Kate Jackson. Jackson claims that a financial advisor of her co-star Farrah Fawcett leveraged the relationship to get at Jackson, then persuaded her to make bad investments that have resulted in her “financial ruin,” according to her own words. Jackson, who’s now 61, has not had any roles since a 2007 appearance on Criminal Minds. But then, Hollywood has always had limited roles for women of a certain age. Now if she can hang on for another 27 1/2 years or so, maybe she can become a guest host of Saturday Night Live like Betty White did at 88 1/2 last weekend.

So one more actress, Jaime Pressly, just got a boob job, obviously forgetting that some men prefer natural at any size over pneumatic. Apparently Pressly did it to deal with her own insecurities, but I wouldn’t be surprised if some petite starlets with absurdly sized implants had it in their contracts to do so. Too bad. She seemed just fine before the fact, as the image at right suggests.

Charlie Sheen has until just before May 19th to decide if he’s going back to Two and a Half Men next season. That’s the day CBS announces its fall schedule. While Sheen is asking for as much as $2M per episode, apparently he really doesn’t care if he comes back or not. Not sure if the show could survive without him, despite the great (if raunchy) writing team. If the show ends, Angus T. Jones will cease to be the richest kid on TV. (But then again, Jones is considering college in the next few years and isn’t sure he wants to continue acting.)

While Sheen might not be eager to return to his show, for Bret Michaels, the “show” seems to be what he lives for. After only just being released from a near-fatal brain hemorrhage, he’s expected by his band to be on stage again later this month, but there’s a backup plan for emergency stops, if they become necessary.

Eddie Murphy initially denied being the daddy, but is trying to make good but trying to spend time with the now 3 year-old daughter, Angel, that he had with Spice Girl Mel B, aka Scary Spice, aka Melanie Brown. Sure, he only admitted it after a paternity test. Now, IMDB has him listed as having married once, with one wife (Nicole Mitchell Murphy, divorced), with whom he had five children. But NY Daily News says he had six kids with Nicole and the daughter with Mel B is his eighth child. So someone has their information wrong.

I’ve never watched MTV’s Jersey Shore and never intend to, but if you do, you might be interested to know that the entire cast will be replaced for the third season — which I assume is next season — but the new cast members will start in season two. What do you want to bet this is because the entire current cast demanded a big pay raise after the apparently successful first season, as MTV’s highest-rated series. Not sure that means much considering the cast are reportedly only getting $5,000 per episode while 16 year-old Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men gets $250,000 per episode. Does anyone still watch MTV? Weren’t they a music video channel once? Well let’s hope that the new crew has better nicknames than Snooki, The Situation and JWOWW.

Kids today have so much more money at their disposal than previous generations, especially those who’re on TV. Speaking of which, you might think that Miley Cyrus is the richest kid on TV, but it’s actually Angus T. Jones, who plays Charlie Sheen‘s character’s really dumb, food-obsessed nephew Jake Harper on Two and a Half Men.

While Cyrus makes about $15K per episode, she makes most of her money in concerts and CD sales, making her worth about a billion dollars. But Jones on the other hand makes a phenomenal per episode salary that rivals many adult TV actors’ salaries: $250K. He’s been on the show since he was 10 (now 16) and his doofus character is instrumental to the humor and popularity of the show. The second highest paid child actor on TV is iCarly’s Miranda Cosgrove, who pulls in $180K per episode. All the rest in NY Post’s list make $25K or less per episode, which is still a pretty nice sum for being so young.

And then there’s the really young kids like Suri Cruise, who got to spend a day at the spa with mommy Katie Holmes and some unnamed little girl pal.

And then there are the baby mommas who are kids themselves. If Bristol Palin doesn’t watch out, she might end up behind bars. She’s been oh so much of a role model for young women. Bet her family-values mom is so proud of her. First Bristol becomes a teen mom, then she decides to go out and party in a New York City nightclub. (Who’s watching the baby? It ain’t grandma.) Problem is, she’s only 19, so still under the age limit. Or maybe this is exactly what will propel her mom Sarah Palin into becoming a U.S. presidential candidate in 2012?

If you’re like Bristol and about to have a baby, you might like to know that the popular baby names right now are Isabella and Jacob, according to the Social Security Administration. Both are names of characters in the popular vampire books and TV series Twilight.

Samantha Jones and Kim Cattrall are not the same person. Obvious, right? But actress Cattrall admits that her own sex life hasn’t been anything like that of character Samantha Jones, from Sex and the City (SatC). In fact, she says she’s sometimes wondered if she’s all that sexual. While she did have a much younger boyfriend, they split last year. Well, I don’t know about you, but of the four actresses in SatC, I always had a thing for Kristin Davis, who played Charlotte York. And just my luck, I missed the one (?) episode where she actually got naked. Couldn’t find that episode on YouTube, but here’s an entertaining, NSFW clip from another episode.

Lady GaGa is the latest star to use microblogging site Twitter to complain about something. Seems GaGa wasn’t too happy about the way her performance on American Idol was edited. Her tweet: “FOX POORLY + AMATEURLY edited+cut my performance/musical arrangement on idol. Watch real version. http://bit.ly/apyBrH”

Speaking of cranky celebs, is Lindsay LiLo Lohan really only 23? Wow, by the crags in her face, I could have sworn she was well into her 30s. Ok, yes, dear, you’re 23 and you’re allowed to go out and party, even with your new bodyguard. But next time you get drunk, don’t kidnap friends and go on a road trip. Just saying. Remember, you’re currently considered unbankable as an actress, and unless you clean up your act, you’re not going to act for a long time.

Apparently Bruce Willis had a custom handmade wool and silk rug in his home, selected by his interior designer from a fine rug store in LA, Mansour. In a lawsuit, Mansour claims Willis stained the rug with red wine, altered it a few inches, and wanted to return it a few weeks later, though he supposedly had yet to pay for it. Maybe Lindsay Lohan dropped over to party?

Oh thank goodness. Apparently Sandra Bullock does plan to continue acting. Rumors quoting a friend close to Bullock had the actress supposedly leaving Hollywood to live in Austin and New Orleans, to raise her adopted baby son, Louis Bardo Bullock. However, People says that another source says Bullock will continue to make movies.

Acting is a dangerous business. Long Island police officers who came across what they thought was a hold up of a convenience store were inclined to shoot the gunman, until they deciphered that it was a small-budget movie with no production trucks or lights. But that wasn’t before one officer forcibly disarmed a confused actor of his fake gun. Part of the problem was that while officials did know of the shoot, it took place a day early, and nothing was indicated by the filmmaker Fred Carpenter about a scene with weapons. Ooops.

This is hilarious. Kim Kardashian is getting death threats from heartbroken Justin Bieber fans, after he jokingly tweeted on Twitter that she’s his girlfriend. But aren’t Babyface Bieber’s fans like 5 years old? Just tell’em to behave, turn out the lights and go to bed already. Sheesh, some people’s kids.

Poor poor Kendra Wilkinson. She’s been whining about her sex tape (yawn, hasn’t everyone but Betty White done a sex tape?), that it got released. But now it’s being revealed that she had intended to shop it around. So the issue isn’t that someone was going to release but that she herself lost control of the release. Look, Kendra, you’re attractive, like every other plastic doll that you look like, but sex tapes and reality shows aren’t that interesting anymore. You’d probably have more success in branding yourself if you got on Twitter and Facebook.

Is it true that crazy girls try harder in bed? At least, it seems to be true for Courtney Love. Says Love, “pretty girls just lie there. Us girls who grew up a little more homely have to try a lot harder.” Oh wait, she said homely, not crazy? Maybe in Courtney’s case, it’s both?

Speaking of crazy, remember how Joaquin Phoenix acted on the David Letterman show, announcing he was giving up acting to be a Hip Hop musician? He’s been acting Andy Kaufman- and Andy Dick-level weird since. Well it just so happens that Casey Affleck, Joaquin’s brother-in-law, is releasing his mockumentary film about this career change. I smell a stunt for the sake of the film, and we’ll likely see Joaquin back to “normal” after the film debuts, or maybe some time next year at the latest.

Other films about to be released include Super 8 from JJ Abrams, whose trailer will be airing with Iron Man 2, which starts Friday. More details from me after I see it, but Slashfilm does have a lot more about Super 8, including that it’s set circa 1979. The “spoiler” text in red reveals that it seems to be in the science fiction genre and involves some sort of creature. If it’s yet another movie shot on a handheld camera, I’m not interested. Cloverfield from Abrams was crappy enough and irritating thanks to camera jitter, not to mention static in POV (point of view).

Charlie Sheen might be having marital problems yet again — this time with Brooke Mueller — that now cost him $125K/month, but there are some celeb couples in the “let’s neck in public” phase. One such couple is Keanu Reeves and Charlize Theron. TMZ has pics and video of them smooching. I  believe the next phase of a celeb relationship is “look, you attracted the paparazzi yet again.” Good luck to the newly in love couple and lets hope that Theron doesn’t let out her Monster side on Keanu.

Speaking of breakups, Michelle McGee, who got between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, is being defended by celebrity tat artist Kat Von D. Kat says that you can’t judge a book by its cover, and that we shouldn’t judge McGee by the fact that she has tattoos. True that, Kat. Let’s judge McGee on the fact that she destroyed a relationship. Then again, bad boy Jesse James was busy with more than one mistress anyway. While Sandra Bullock is happy enough in her life, what with her adoption of a baby boy, she’s still pulling in some top legal defense for her divorce case.

Not sure who’s in Brett Michael’s scope at the moment because I couldn’t be bothered to watch his Rock of Love reality dating show, but he’s at least making progress after a brain hemorrhage. Word is that he’s walking again and has even been released from hospital. Donald Trump, producer of the “Celebrity Apprentice” TV show Bret was in before the emergency hospitalization is said to be praying for him. I believe the prayer goes something like this: “Lord, please let Bret Michaels recover so he can return to the show so that I don’t lose lots of green green cash. Amen.”

I don’t know whether to laugh hysterically or cry that scary-eyed former First Lady Laura Bush has Bob Marley on her iPod, according to daughter Jenna Bush. Maybe she’s trying to learn how to repent for killing a friend in a car accident years ago by learning to be irie.